Manipulation in Conflict Relationships

The issue of manipulation in modern society has long ceased to be a private or narrowly specialized topic. Manipulative practices appear in many areas — from everyday communication to political processes, from family conflicts to psychological games in workplace environments. Increasingly, researchers view manipulation not merely as an unethical form of influence, but as an intrusion into personal choice and individual responsibility. In family and marital relationships, manipulation often becomes a disguised form of psychological pressure. The emergence of terms such as gaslighting or abuse has only highlighted how clearly this problem is now recognized and understood.

What Lies at the Core of Manipulation

One of the first researchers to draw attention to the inner mechanism of manipulation was J. Rudinov (an American psychologist and researcher of interpersonal dynamics). He observed that a manipulator seems to "invent" goals on behalf of another person and then quietly implant them into their psyche — so subtly that the individual eventually stops distinguishing their own motives from the imposed ones.

More broadly, manipulation creates a form of communication built on distrust. It breaks the existential unity of "I — the Other". Outwardly, such interaction may appear calm or even "functional", but internally it erodes trust.

If we imagine dialogue as a form of "being" — something that connects — then manipulation becomes its opposite, a kind of "non-being", because it lacks any unifying function. And the more a culture is oriented toward open dialogue, the less space it leaves for manipulation.

Why Manipulation Is So Common in Marital Relationships

A family is a small social system where rights, responsibilities, and roles are distributed within the couple. Ideally, marital relationships are built on equality and mutual respect. However, manipulation often becomes appealing for several reasons:

• it creates the illusion of control and power;

• it allows one partner to achieve what they want more quickly, bypassing open dialogue;

• it boosts a sense of personal significance;

• it reinforces the partner’s dependence.

Yet, while manipulation may bring short-term benefits, the partner ultimately loses in the long run. Manipulation offers a "tactical victory" but a strategic defeat — it destroys trust, lowers emotional closeness, and distorts the very structure of the relationship.

How Manipulation Emerges in Conflict Relationships

Conflict-based relationships rarely begin with loud arguments. Much more often, everything starts quietly — with small, almost invisible shifts in boundaries, subtle phrases, changes in tone, and emotional pressure that is hard to prove but easy to feel. Manipulation doesn’t appear instantly; it weaves itself into the relationship gradually, becoming part of the dynamic so seamlessly that a person stops noticing where their own will ends and someone else’s influence begins.

Manipulation is not always driven by malicious intent. More often, it is a way to hold on to control, to provoke a desired reaction, to avoid responsibility, or to hide one’s vulnerability. When a relationship becomes tense, the fear of losing connection or power amplifies these mechanisms. A person begins to push not because they are "bad", but because they do not know another way to cope with the pressure. The conflict turns into a battlefield instead of a space for communication. And instead of honest dialogue, techniques appear that distort the meaning of what is said.

Manipulation targets emotions rather than logic. A person stops thinking about what they truly want and begins thinking about how not to upset, not to disappoint, not to provoke conflict. Internal tension builds up, and reactions gradually become automatic.

Manipulation rarely sounds like a direct order. It appears more subtly:

• a phrase after which one suddenly feels guilty despite doing nothing wrong;

• a situation where a "choice" exists, but both options are uncomfortable;

• a hint that forces someone to justify themselves;

• "care" that is actually a form of control;

• dramatization such as "if you do this, everything will fall apart".

From the outside — nothing extraordinary. Inside — the growing sense of being controlled. Manipulation always violates freedom of choice, but when a person is inside the conflict, recognizing it is far from easy.

How to Stop Getting Pulled In

The most important step is to return to yourself. Ask simple questions:

• What am I feeling right now?

• Is this my decision or a reaction to pressure?

• Why did I suddenly feel ashamed, anxious, or uncomfortable?

There is no need to argue or prove anything in response. Manipulation loses its impact not after confrontation, but when a person stops reacting automatically.

Manipulation is not about "bad people". It’s about the fact that in conflicts, people are often scared, overwhelmed, and lacking genuine connection. But understanding the mechanism changes a lot.

When a person begins to notice that pressure is being applied to them, their freedom of choice returns. They stop reacting out of fear and start acting from their own position. And then even tense relationships become clearer — without the hidden games and constant emotional strain.